She's got problems, and they're WAY worse than mine.

So today I came up with a new resolution. It's been coming along for a while now, and I've been anticipating the day that I would feel the topic peak and would have to pick up my lazy feet and step over a new line. Part of me doesn't want to do it. No one wants to change, even when all they want is to change (snarky, yes, but also true!). But the rest of me knew that once the decision had been made, nothing I could say could stop me. The noble, valiant me is dragging the screaming, bratty me over the line and we're all in a new place, like it or not.
Starting today at 1900 Midwestern time (what the * is this time zone even called?) I am not going to gossip anymore. You have heard me now and know what to expect from me.
Now, I know it's not possible to completely stop doing something that I've indulged in, even formed a habit of, just because I say I am. But I'm willing to let go of the feeble rewards gossip gives me, and that's the first step of repentance. (In my book.) I've become disgusted with myself, and I think the awareness of this feeling is a gift given to me by God, and a shove in the right direction.
Now, an important element of this is the definition of gossip. Nate and I discussed this tonight over some vegan spaghetti and green beans with ham (yes, we're confused, dietarily speaking. We're also midwest meets south, which causes all kinds of kooky things to happen) and came up with the following definitions:
a. Gossip is confessing someone else's sins. I wish I could say I made that up, but I definitely got it from somewhere. Nate pointed out that this definition makes me the arbitrator of everyone else's sins. As in, I decide what their sins are when I decide to confess them, or not, as it were. HOWEVER, I feel that this is what we're all doing all the time regardless of whether we're talking about it or not.
b. Gossip is talking about someone differently from how you would talk about them if they were present. (This was Nate's initial contribution.) I don't feel like this really hits the mark because you will ALWAYS talk about someone differently when they are present, even if what you are saying about them in their absence is perfectly innocuous or even affectionate. It's just the nature of social interaction.
c. Gossip is saying something about someone else that is unnecessary and could be harmful. This is the definition I was first taught as a little girl, and although I think it's pretty accurate it just doesn't really mean anything to me. Pretty much everything I say is unnecessary, and you can talk yourself out of thinking it's harmful to say something about someone if they never find out. It's just easy to get out of this one by being slimy, which I have been known to dabble in.
d. Gossip is saying something negative about someone else in order to make me feel better about myself. This was Nate's second contribution, which I feel could be the second half of my first definition. Therefore, I will go with this:

~ Gossip is discussing someone else's sins (or flaws, shortcomings, insert synonym), which I do to make me feel better about myself. ~

THIS is what I will not do.

And if I haven't rambled enough, I am also going to tell you something else that I have resolved, in a gentler, more gradual way. I learned it last October, singing hymns in a friendly church in the green mountains of Tennessee. It came to me suddenly, like a drip of water on my head under a green mountain tree in the Spring. I have spent years hiding my faith. Going to India made me unsure of how to talk about it, and I had an experience or two in which I felt like I talked about it too much and made someone else uncomfortable, so I have been keeping it primarily under wraps. I feel that this is absolutely a shameful thing to do. It's who I am. It's my motivation and it's everything I really care about. It's the source of every single passion I have, and I've been squishing it down because I'm afraid of driving people away both with it and from it, by talking about it. But listen - I think that part of this is caused by society and the way Christians function in it. I'm not saying that they're WRONG! I don't even care who's wrong or whether anyone is, but here's my point. People get uncomfortable when I talk about my faith because they're afraid I'm either going to start evangelizing them or that I'm at least implicating them as wrong and guilty in some massive way. Think about it! I've known it all along, but didn't really understand it.
It's ok though, because I have no desire to stand on a street corner and harass passers-by with my convictions. This is just not the way that God deals with me. I don't want to proclaim false joys, and I don't want to smash anyone in the head with what I have to say, as the perception of my kind of Christian tends to be. I just don't want to hide anymore. It's not about you, it's about me. It's about living with satisfaction and not with shame.

I understand that in some ways I am condemning myself with almost anyone who reads this. My Christian friends will understand why I don't want to hide it, but may disagree with my complete lack of evangelistic impulse. They will most assuredly disapprove (as they should) of the fact of my hiding.
My friends who are not Christians (or who mean something other than what I mean when I say it) may indeed feel the very fears I have named and may be annoyed when I do start to speak more openly of it in casual conversation. They may feel judged and they may feel excluded, since by "Christian" I mean follower of Christ and mean having a two-way relationship with the higher power, and this is not what all people mean when they say it.
I can't blame any of you for any of that. But I just have to say, seriously and transparently, that I have to live my life the way I hear it whispered to me, and not by any external guidance.

I've said my piece. Tell me if you think anything about it.