nursing school

Carrie avoids the spiderwebs walking to my back door at 5:25 am. She knocks, and I am yet again not quite ready, still gathering socks, shoes, stethoscope, umbrella, name tag, whatever; so she stands next to the dryer and waits for me. My kitty is skittish around all new people and hides, unfriendly and wanting attention at the same time, a furry little ball of conflict.
We're too tired to turn on the radio. Music seems weird when it's still night when it's morning. The highlight of it all is stopping at the Quick Stop for bitter coffee and a couple of donuts, after which Carrie spills coffee on herself and I search for the jelly in my so named donut. We drive east and guess at which planet it is that gleams at us through the windshield as we grow progressively more giggly and delirious. We compare the assignments we have that day and how long it took us to research their diagnoses and medications the night before.
My patient at the hospital is sweet but his therapy bores me and my nurse doesn't seem to like having a shadow. We all take our blood sugars - mine is 97 which surprises me after the pile of sugar I consumed in the car.
Tonight I'm studying my physiology for the test tomorrow which I have to squeeze in before practicing injections in the lab. I gave an injection to a sausage last week, which was utterly simple and convinced me to try to think of all people as sausages when I have to give them shots so that I don't get weirded out. If you're ever on the other end of the needle, I'll be picturing you as a plump little piece of pork encased in intestine, which might make it more weird for you and but will be much easier for me.
Tonight when the sun went down I remembered when I used to call people and hang out and go places at night. I now have more conversations with my kitten than with my best friends. I can tell you four times more about epithelial cells than about what bands are playing downtown. And I let Javon prick my finger with a NEEDLE. Things are definitely not how they used to be.
And if you don't hear from me for another year and a half, it's not because I don't love you. It's because I don't remember that anything exists outside of IM sites and statins.
The End.

for Women only

I have a serious problem, and it might be with you. Are you a dirty lady?

"No!" you say. Maybe you're not even female, in which case you're excused, and why are you even reading this? I'm talking about you germophobic females out there. Picture this: you're in a public place, let's say it's a mall, when you remember the three cups of coffee you consumed earlier and realize you've got to pee. You put down the overpriced shoes you were just picturing yourself in and make your way to the ladies room, the room full of modestly doored stalls, and you approach the toilet. What you do here is critical. Do you:

a. coat the seat in layers of tp
b. hover to pee every time - who knows who's been in here?
c. wipe the seat off with tp before sitting
d. sit without looking
e. pee standing up (really, stop reading this)
f. I never use public restrooms
g. sit on your hands (this was my cousin Jenny's solution when she was little)
h. other

You, dirty lady, feel fear. You're afraid of the bottoms of the other women who have utilized this facility. You're afraid of bottom germs and, what's worse, you're afraid someone has tinkled on the seat. What do you do? YOU HOVER! I KNOW YOU DO! *YOU* are the dirty seat tinkler! It is anatomically impossible for ME to have peed on the seat, because I was SITTING on it. The ONLY people who are getting the seat dirty and yucky with pee are YOU HOVERERS! STOP DOING THAT! If no one was AFRAID, no one would HOVER, and no one would SEAT TINKLE! You're creating your own problem! You're afraid of yourself!

The dirtiest part of the bathroom (and this includes the toilet seat) is the handle to the door and the handles on the stall doors. You're touching those, aren't you? You can't get STD's from toilet seats. (Really.) All you can get is disgustingly damp from someone else's paranoia. I expect repentance EN MASSE.

I feel better now.