Some thoughts on progress
I started classes again: Human Development, Chemistry/lab, and Intermediate Algebra (which should really be called "remedial algebra for people who are really not quick with math").
As a side note, let me tell you that upon beginning this semester I made the realization that this is the first math class of my life. Ok, technically, since 1987 when I completed the first grade armed with mad skills in addition and subtraction. I managed to somehow avoid any kind of formal instruction in mathematics for twenty entire years, while at the same time successfully maneuvering through the education system and mastering quite a lot of math. There really should be an award for this kind of accomplishment. A financially-focused award.
Going back to school is also proving to be inexplicably depressing, and is making me feel like a failure. Why? It's not because my first batch of education "failed" to do what I thought it would, because I actually completed my bachelor's degree with absolutely no expectations of its use whatsoever. I'm basically going back to school to train for a new career, or actually for my first career since so far I've occupied mostly unconnected positions for a year or three at a time. After some dedicated pondering to the background of Gillian Welch, I have reached the following reasons that this return to academia is so depressing:
1.) Other people I knew had plans and or goals for their life after college, and have slowly reached those goals or satisfactory substitutes while I watched between sessions of spazzy impulse pursual. I can't fulfill any plans I had for myself, because I had none. Except to live in India, so I guess I did fulfill that. But it was a vague, geographically-based goal leaving me with no follow-up. I LIKED that I had no plans (and still do) but every now and then it leaves me sitting somewhere blinking, waiting for something to happen.
2.) And this is probably the more true - despite the lack of any plans for a life course, my future was full of hope and excitement the first time through college. I was smart and I knew it and I was excited about every part of life. I had no idea what I would do next, but it was always going to be something spectacular and usually was. I worked with kids I loved and was the happiest I've ever been, then went to India in a whirl of drama and lived on the edge (literally) for two years, during which I met a great guy and after our international thrills were over I decided to move here to Kansas which was romantic and new. But now it's a year and a half later, and there's really no sparkling next step waiting for me. I'm going back and taking freshman-level classes to become a nurse and work in institutions filling out oodles of paperwork. I feel like a failure because I let go of old college friendships to go do bigger, better things - because we all had so much wonderfulness to move on to, and now I find myself back at square one with a bunch of 19-year-olds (no offense to the underaged) who don't know the first thing about me, moving farther and farther from the aspects of life that have brought me joy in the past. I'm a little bit afraid of the what's-coming-next-it's-so-exciting phase of life being over. I know that this is a ridiculous thing to say.
"Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition. " - "Rob" of High Fidelity
As a side note, let me tell you that upon beginning this semester I made the realization that this is the first math class of my life. Ok, technically, since 1987 when I completed the first grade armed with mad skills in addition and subtraction. I managed to somehow avoid any kind of formal instruction in mathematics for twenty entire years, while at the same time successfully maneuvering through the education system and mastering quite a lot of math. There really should be an award for this kind of accomplishment. A financially-focused award.
Going back to school is also proving to be inexplicably depressing, and is making me feel like a failure. Why? It's not because my first batch of education "failed" to do what I thought it would, because I actually completed my bachelor's degree with absolutely no expectations of its use whatsoever. I'm basically going back to school to train for a new career, or actually for my first career since so far I've occupied mostly unconnected positions for a year or three at a time. After some dedicated pondering to the background of Gillian Welch, I have reached the following reasons that this return to academia is so depressing:
1.) Other people I knew had plans and or goals for their life after college, and have slowly reached those goals or satisfactory substitutes while I watched between sessions of spazzy impulse pursual. I can't fulfill any plans I had for myself, because I had none. Except to live in India, so I guess I did fulfill that. But it was a vague, geographically-based goal leaving me with no follow-up. I LIKED that I had no plans (and still do) but every now and then it leaves me sitting somewhere blinking, waiting for something to happen.
2.) And this is probably the more true - despite the lack of any plans for a life course, my future was full of hope and excitement the first time through college. I was smart and I knew it and I was excited about every part of life. I had no idea what I would do next, but it was always going to be something spectacular and usually was. I worked with kids I loved and was the happiest I've ever been, then went to India in a whirl of drama and lived on the edge (literally) for two years, during which I met a great guy and after our international thrills were over I decided to move here to Kansas which was romantic and new. But now it's a year and a half later, and there's really no sparkling next step waiting for me. I'm going back and taking freshman-level classes to become a nurse and work in institutions filling out oodles of paperwork. I feel like a failure because I let go of old college friendships to go do bigger, better things - because we all had so much wonderfulness to move on to, and now I find myself back at square one with a bunch of 19-year-olds (no offense to the underaged) who don't know the first thing about me, moving farther and farther from the aspects of life that have brought me joy in the past. I'm a little bit afraid of the what's-coming-next-it's-so-exciting phase of life being over. I know that this is a ridiculous thing to say.
"Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition. " - "Rob" of High Fidelity
posted by sarah at 5:55 PM
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