I remember when, I remember when I lost my mind
Sometimes just so much happens that you can't possibly get it all out, write it all down, even if anyone would have read it. Let's make it short: I feel like, for the first time in my life, I'm making real progress - as a real person - and I feel like I might have the potential to live a real life. This doesn't make any sense, but whatever. Whatever. And I know it's not really the first time, but when it's real it always feels like the first time.
I'm also looking for a tape. In all my random drawers containing pain killers and USB cords and gloves and bobby pins and whatever else I put in there hoping it would categorize itself so I didn't have to put any more thought into it... a tape someone gave me three years ago that I never actually listened to but have carried around the world with me, knowing that the day I actually do put it in a tape player will be the day I was meant to hear what the tape contained. Here's hoping I can find it, because I think it's finally the right time. I hope I can find it.
I'm in charge of my own life. This is a completely new feeling for me. I have understood independence that was very colored by self-denial, or just denial in general, but I have never truly understood meaningful independence. I've rarely known what it meant to make a decision for myself and not for what I thought someone somewhere expected or would idealize for me. It's not pitiable, it's disgusting. I've created my own austerity instead of finding my own path. I've chosen people to defer to instead of facing what's real and hacking my own way through it. This is a pattern I can identify and am in the hard, long, gut-wrenching process of swimming through. There is something so present about this time in my life.
I think India really screwed me up, but in a way that had to happen. Part of this is from that, and some of it is spun from working in the nursing home, and a lot of it is what has happened with Nate recently, which is so hard for me.
If you have any advice for me, let me know. Even if it doesn't apply.
hahaha! Bless your soul! Really think you're in control? Well, I think you're crazy. - Gnarles Barkley, "Crazy"
I wish I could give you a bite of this feeling. It would taste bittersweet.
I'm also looking for a tape. In all my random drawers containing pain killers and USB cords and gloves and bobby pins and whatever else I put in there hoping it would categorize itself so I didn't have to put any more thought into it... a tape someone gave me three years ago that I never actually listened to but have carried around the world with me, knowing that the day I actually do put it in a tape player will be the day I was meant to hear what the tape contained. Here's hoping I can find it, because I think it's finally the right time. I hope I can find it.
I'm in charge of my own life. This is a completely new feeling for me. I have understood independence that was very colored by self-denial, or just denial in general, but I have never truly understood meaningful independence. I've rarely known what it meant to make a decision for myself and not for what I thought someone somewhere expected or would idealize for me. It's not pitiable, it's disgusting. I've created my own austerity instead of finding my own path. I've chosen people to defer to instead of facing what's real and hacking my own way through it. This is a pattern I can identify and am in the hard, long, gut-wrenching process of swimming through. There is something so present about this time in my life.
I think India really screwed me up, but in a way that had to happen. Part of this is from that, and some of it is spun from working in the nursing home, and a lot of it is what has happened with Nate recently, which is so hard for me.
If you have any advice for me, let me know. Even if it doesn't apply.
hahaha! Bless your soul! Really think you're in control? Well, I think you're crazy. - Gnarles Barkley, "Crazy"
I wish I could give you a bite of this feeling. It would taste bittersweet.
posted by sarah at 9:34 PM
4 Comments:
Hey sarah, found your blog again after looking through old emails... are you okay? email me if you need to chat/vent. knursingh(at)gmail
take care, karishma.
ps - i can't believe you were in delhi and didn't call me!!! :(
hello my beautiful sarah,
i hope you're doing okay with whatever it is you're dealing with. i'll offer as much advice/support as i can possibly give. e-mail(it's sopraseworthy at gmail). i love you.
I love your website. It has a lot of great pictures and is very informative.
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