1989

Why do you write these things down? Resolving, dedicating your efforts to a consciously created change in your life. I have no use for that kind of resolutions although I make them again and again. The choices that matter were made already. You made them without needing to enunciate them to yourself, even in your own mind. I didn't need words to convince myself or relate to anyone what I already knew.

"I kept thinking, if I just keep living, someone will come along eventually who understands me." - approximate quote from the movie 'Adaptation'. Not because I explain myself - no one ever understands another person, in a true way, wholly understands them, because they have fully explained themselves. I just thought someone would come along one day and need no words at all.

And how would you understand me? All I have to give up are my stringy thoughts. Self-indulgent and themed only around myself and the pool of created anxiety in which I live. Now I'm even making you read them. And why do people say that beauty is sad? Because it is. But we're only saddened by beauty when we are trying to explain it to ourselves.

I sat on the beige couch, beige with little blue pineapples all over it in some neo-colonial urge of the 80's. I touched the little pineapples with my toes. One by one. Behind the couch was a window facing the street. I looked out at our happy suburban neighborhood and thought, I am lonely. I have no real connections to any other person here.